Monday, February 1, 2010

Being Introspective At Close to 1 AM

It's about 12:43am, and usually when I got so much in my head, I find it difficult to sleep. So, I'm going to come on here and write my thoughts. I'm not a perfect person, I don't even really consider myself that good. I try, I'm human, cleanliness is next to godliness and I'm trying to be as clean as possible, but I make mistakes. Everybody has a way they deal with their emotions. Some people are pretty capable of dealing with their emotions while some people keep them bottled up and they usually explode at any given moment. Can you guess which one I am? Yeah, the latter. But I at least I know that right, I could be lying to myself saying I have all of this under control, but why do that. If anything, I think I am a passionate person when it comes with my emotions. I like to give each emotion their time in the lime light; if I'm happy, I'll be happiest dude you'd ever meet, but if I'm angry, you will see me pissed off beyond....well, beyond. But there is a common denominator with my emotions: I'm Loud. I'm a loud person, been loud since I can remember, I laugh loud, I talk loud, I party loud, and I yell...loud. So when I'm upset or angry, you will see me as loud as I can possibly get. I like the fact that being loud shows how genuine the emotion is. When you are happy and loud, people can easily say "Damn, he must be happy", I feel the same way with being loud and angry. Now, everyone has a way to deal with these emotions, and I've always been the type of person to allow that person to deal with them whatever way they want to. Someone might want to talk it out right away while others might need some time. I'm a big advocate for the taking some time route. It's one thing to have someone tell you over and over again how you fucked up, or how you were wrong, but its an entirely new feeling when that person telling you that is yourself. I think its more believable, because you can't make any excuse when its yourself. Sometimes the best way is to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself about yourself. Sidenote: I love how people can remember/bring up the most negative stuff, but never the positive. I wanted to put that sidenote in this post, but I forgot where it was suppose to go, so you can place it where ever you deem it fits. Its crazy how a person will change or attempt to change the way to have been acting for the longest for the sake of someone else. And in this case, I'm talking about emotions and how one deals with them. I forgot where I was going with all of this, maybe it was just my attempt of giving you a look into how my mind works, ticking and tocking. I do know this, emotions are things that one accepts or struggles with. Some emotions are easy to accept, mainly because they are easy to deal with, while others are like a thorn to flesh. I know for a fact that my anger is a thorn. I know I have one beast of a temper, and I hate when it comes out. It makes me look like I can't control myself, on top of the fact that I might inadvertently insult or hurt someone (feelings that is, I'm not an abusive person). So I try to contain it, like the monster it is, but I've feel that it is emerging a lot more than normal as of lately. Am I losing the control I have on it or have I just kept it bottled up so much that it's ready to blow? Fuck that, I'm in control, I won't even allow myself to think some bull like that. If you get anything out of this post, don't let it be that I'm crazy, let it be that I'm trying to introduce you to the fact that people are complex and you have to sometimes allow them to deal with themselves the best way they know how to, not the way you think they should. Cause in the end, who better knows themselves...then them-self.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I often bottle up my emotions also, it's one of the worst things to do because like you said you do and act in erratic ways that's not like you. It's best to give the situation some time and deal with all the issues, if it piles up = disaster.